Thursday, 12 February 2009

Love Buns

Ive got to make some cupcakes for a friends little girls birthday this weekend, so I thought as it was valentines I might adapt Nigella's love bun recipe as the icing on top of them looks yummy and marshmallowy! though I doubt they are going to look anywhere near as good as Nigellas! just scouring the Internet looking for some heart sprinkles and teapot cake toppers (i think she is taking her tea party theme literally bless her.

Baking is really therapeutic for me I love just getting lost in the task of making something yummy and then seeing the joy on peoples face when you give it away. Its just a shame that im staying with my parents at the moment so I cant do a lot of baking and I dont have all my tools and gadgets with me.

Im off now to get on with some work (read search the net for glitter and sprinkles!) ill try and post a picture if they are a success!

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Monday Morning Blues on a Tuesday

My lovely little sister was home this weekend so we spent a nice Sunday having lunch etc, so for a change I actually enjoyed my weekend! just a shame it had to end, im feeling very mondyish today(not great considering its Tuesday) I think I said in a previous post that I like my job but in view of recent life changing events do not see myself doing it for the next thirty five years.

Quite a large part of my time has been spent mulling over what im good at and im afraid the outlook is not good! I was never very academic at school, I needed things explaining to me too many times and the teachers just didn't have time for me! the careers advisor advised there was no hope of me doing A levels or a degree so Apprenticeship was my best option so I compromised and did a BETC in Business and Finance which I passed with a distinction. Since college I have done admin/ customer service type roles and now work in community development.

So what am I good at...............
I love to cook, especially baking.
I have quite a caring nature.
My telephone manner is good.

And that's about it the total sum of what I have got going for me!

So what do I do, I never planned a career for myself, partly because I was not exactly encouraged at school but mainly because I saw jobs and as way of earning money and always thought that I would have a husband and children to look after and just do a part time job in the evenings to earn extra money. So now that's not going to happen what do I do with myself, my list of skills is not exactly endless! but I do need to change what I do.

I don't have money to set up my own business and if I re-train it will need to be at night because I cant afford not to be earning, my current job doesn't allow me to train at night as I have a high workload and attend a lot of evening meetings.

I have never had so many unanswered questions in my life and I don't know where to start!

me x

Monday, 2 February 2009

Two posts in one day!

In response to candy's question about lighterlife, ive been thinking very hard about this especially as the wedding total for this year has gone up from three to four! im not going to be able to get away with wearing the two outfits I wore last year and im going to have to buy something new, aswell as the dreaded wedding abroad.

I have decided that Lighterlife is just too expensive £66 per week plus keeping my husband in food, and buying the non food products will push our shopping bill to approx £100ish per week! so Im thinking about the Cambridge diet or returning to the shame that is Slimming World, if I do Slimming World this time, it will be only for me, not to keep, mum, dad, husband, friends off my back/ fit in my wedding dress etc etc all those other reasons it will be for me (partly because of the weddings etc) but its still my own reason which means there should be less pressure and I can set my own pace.

I am leaning towards Slimming World as the thought of not actually having food pass my lips is one I dread, but im going to keep thinking about it while eating healthier and getting more exercise, I have recently took advice from Stephen Fry!!!! random I know! and started walking with an audio book (although I don't think today's planned session will go ahead, im not that dedicated!)

Thank you for asking I will keep you posted.

me x

Monday Morning Snow couldnt quite lift my spirits.

Isn't it lovely to wake up of a morning and see a nice blanket of snow. I don't know what it is about snow that gives me a lovely warm feeling inside, which is fine and great as long as the furthest I have to go is downstairs to look at it through the kitchen window! not so great when Ive got to get to work. I'm sitting in my office now wishing I lived more than a twenty minute drive away as everyone with any sort of journey to make left hours ago to get home before the snow really set in :(

Unfortunately the snow didn't manage to life my spirits for long and my weekend was very dull, except for a trip to Tesco's and a row with my husband! (which isn't easy when your staying with your parents) I spent all of my time in the house, friends and family all having other plans and hubbie was knocking down walls at our new house!

Babies have always been an issue in our house, long before we got married or I realised I would struggle to have them. We started our relationship with no mention of them because we knew our opinions were very different. Once relations got serious we had numerous conversations and very serious ones in the lead up to the wedding where I was very clear that babies were a make or break topic. He agreed that he wouldn't discount having children in the future. I now know that this was said without any actual thought on the matter. My recent female issues! have forced baby conversations in our house and uncovered the fact that the difference in opinion is still very much there, husband has informed me that he never has and never will have any desire to have a child and despite the numerous conversations prior to our wedding, felt that considering it was enough and did not feel I would ever actually call his bluff. Well his bluff has been well and truly called and I now have the painful task of changing my whole idea of how my life is going to map out as that life no longer involves having a family. So the question I now ask myself and anyone else who is bothering to read, What do I do with myself now that all of my friends and relatives are having babies (some on their second or third) and I will no longer be joining their ranks as I had assumed!?!

I am really at a loss as to what to do with myself, I already miss out on coffee sessions because I work full time as apposed to my friends part times, I miss out on lots of get together, parties and play dates because I don't have a child to bring with me. I have little in common with my friends anymore because I cant get involved in discussions regarding weaning, schools, potty training etc. Without knowing they are doing it my friends are already looking on me pityingly and are running out of things to say to me.

How do I answer the when will you have a baby questions? a few weeks ago while out on a girls night, fifteen women round the table and apart from the heavily pregnant lady! I was the only person with no children. So when the inevitable question came up I thought the best response would be I am not having children as I assumed most people would take that as a hint to change the subject.......oh no the person asking the question waxed lyrical for 20minutes about what a good mother I would make and what a shame it is but some women just don't have that maternal need to have a baby etc etc. I don't want peoples pity but I also don't want to have to justify my husbands decision for the rest of my life!

What do I do in thirty years time, when I retire and I have no family to look after or grandchildren to look forward to? get a cat???

Will I learn to live with this or will my husbands decision eat away at us until there is nothing left?

Will my parents get over their disappointment of not being grandparents?

Ive never really been a career girl, I quite like my job but didn't plan on doing it forever, so do I stick with it or do I retrain to do something I love as I am going to be doing it for so much longer than I anticipated?

So many questions and who's going to give me the answers???

This is where I really sound awful so please excuse me if I come across as heartless, I have a friend who lost a baby six months ago, quite late on in the pregnancy which was awful for her. She already has one child but is hellbent on getting pregnant again, she is very teary all of the time and all she talks about is the baby she lost. While I can never understand her heartache and wouldn't ever wish to, I don't understand why she is concentrating so much on another baby when she already has a toddler and a husband who love her and need her? My heart breaks for her when I see how upset she still is but I so badly want to tell her to cherish the baby she has got and be thankful she has got one at least and not to waste his precious early years concentrating on trying to have another baby.

Sorry for the rambling woo is me post, I promise the next one will be more upbeat.

me x

Friday, 30 January 2009

Doctors update!

God its hardwork sometimes getting a straight answer from a doctor although I have to say the one I have seen today is better than most!

I have got another Implanon ironically the only thing that would really sort me out is to have a baby! makes you laugh doesnt it! so ive got a bloomin sore arm and hopefully in a week or so a return to normal (well not normal because my periods will stop) but more normal than whats currently going on.

So thats it for me ive got a weekend at the laptop catching up on some work while the husband knocks down walls, joy!

me x


Im off to see the Doctor today, the combination of Mefenamic Acid and Noresthisterone is having no effect whatsoever and is really dragging me down, ive got a cold, cough, spots.......the list of ailments could go on for ever and im convinced its because my immune system is shot by all the bleeding so im off to see what helpfulness I will be offered next!!

Ill update when I get back, I fear ill return with another implant!

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Do I get the chance to have a baby?

It seems I only bother to post when I have got a dilemma but there you go it helps me think it all through if I'm typing as I think.

We have previously established that I am overweight, but here's the thing everything that goes on in my life is blamed on my weight. I had a contraceptive implant put in five years ago, I have just had my second one removed as I am getting to the age where I'm thinking of starting a family.

So here's my issue prior to the implant I was regular as clockwork very easy simple no issues every month. Since having the implant taken out - no ovulation, constant bleeding, major pains. Apparently it is nothing to do with the implant and is purely down to my weight. How can that be I was overweight before I had the implant but had no issues and now despite being totally worn out with it all the only option for me is another implant or constant bleeding, even though I want a baby.

So I am losing weight slowly, if it is my weight then it is being addressed, but in the meantime I've just got to get on with it with no hope of starting a family. Other large women have babies all the time, so why are my issues being blamed solely on my weight and what happens if I lose weight and the issues are still there but I'm two more years down the line???????

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

To lighter life or not to lighter life.........that is the question??

Well as the title of my blog would suggest I am more than a little overweight! and as I have three weddings to attend this year - one of which is in a far off distant sunny glamorous land!! I need to lose weight and fast. Now in the past I have had some success with Slimming World but fell of the wagon so find myself at square one. I saw Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen's wife on GMTV this morning talking about her lighter life success and its got me wondering.

Now I do not intend to ever be slim, I am who I am Ive tried to be "Normal" in the past! but everyone Else's idea of normal is not for me. I don't want to be a size 10 I never have been - well not since I was ten anyway! and never will be. I was happy at a size 18. I hear some of you thinking "size 18 that's massive! she must be a real heifer" well yes I am and no I do not consider a size 18 to be massive, my current size 32 is what I call massive. At a size 18 I was happy with myself, happy to be able to shop in ok not all the shops but most of them while still having the womanly curves I was used to. However everyone else in my life had very different ideas and were mortified that I was beginning to maintain that size and bullied me into beliving that it is as my best interests to be thinner. So 3 months later and another stone lost the pressure got too much and I cracked, piling all of the many stones I had lost back on!

So my dilemma, do I endure 100 days of lighter life at £66 per week and no real food passing my lips just meal plans in the hope of losing five stone to set me up on my own, while hopefully addressing the food issues I have got with the weekly counselling sessions or do I bite the bullet, swallow my shame and sign back up to a slimming world classes, get back on the wagon and start the long lengthy process all over again.

No matter which I choose my target size is an 18 and im sticking to that, if anyone is reading this what do you think? all thoughts appreciated.

Monday, 12 January 2009

The first of many!

I have been inspired by another blogger to set myself up with a blog to record my ramblings! My ramblings will be a mixture of........the daft things that happen to me on a weekly basis, my rants and raves on life in general and what ive eaten for my tea! as the title of my blog would indicate I spend a lot of time cooking and eating! plus some interesting recipes if they are worth reproducing!

me x