Monday, 2 February 2009

Monday Morning Snow couldnt quite lift my spirits.

Isn't it lovely to wake up of a morning and see a nice blanket of snow. I don't know what it is about snow that gives me a lovely warm feeling inside, which is fine and great as long as the furthest I have to go is downstairs to look at it through the kitchen window! not so great when Ive got to get to work. I'm sitting in my office now wishing I lived more than a twenty minute drive away as everyone with any sort of journey to make left hours ago to get home before the snow really set in :(

Unfortunately the snow didn't manage to life my spirits for long and my weekend was very dull, except for a trip to Tesco's and a row with my husband! (which isn't easy when your staying with your parents) I spent all of my time in the house, friends and family all having other plans and hubbie was knocking down walls at our new house!

Babies have always been an issue in our house, long before we got married or I realised I would struggle to have them. We started our relationship with no mention of them because we knew our opinions were very different. Once relations got serious we had numerous conversations and very serious ones in the lead up to the wedding where I was very clear that babies were a make or break topic. He agreed that he wouldn't discount having children in the future. I now know that this was said without any actual thought on the matter. My recent female issues! have forced baby conversations in our house and uncovered the fact that the difference in opinion is still very much there, husband has informed me that he never has and never will have any desire to have a child and despite the numerous conversations prior to our wedding, felt that considering it was enough and did not feel I would ever actually call his bluff. Well his bluff has been well and truly called and I now have the painful task of changing my whole idea of how my life is going to map out as that life no longer involves having a family. So the question I now ask myself and anyone else who is bothering to read, What do I do with myself now that all of my friends and relatives are having babies (some on their second or third) and I will no longer be joining their ranks as I had assumed!?!

I am really at a loss as to what to do with myself, I already miss out on coffee sessions because I work full time as apposed to my friends part times, I miss out on lots of get together, parties and play dates because I don't have a child to bring with me. I have little in common with my friends anymore because I cant get involved in discussions regarding weaning, schools, potty training etc. Without knowing they are doing it my friends are already looking on me pityingly and are running out of things to say to me.

How do I answer the when will you have a baby questions? a few weeks ago while out on a girls night, fifteen women round the table and apart from the heavily pregnant lady! I was the only person with no children. So when the inevitable question came up I thought the best response would be I am not having children as I assumed most people would take that as a hint to change the subject.......oh no the person asking the question waxed lyrical for 20minutes about what a good mother I would make and what a shame it is but some women just don't have that maternal need to have a baby etc etc. I don't want peoples pity but I also don't want to have to justify my husbands decision for the rest of my life!

What do I do in thirty years time, when I retire and I have no family to look after or grandchildren to look forward to? get a cat???

Will I learn to live with this or will my husbands decision eat away at us until there is nothing left?

Will my parents get over their disappointment of not being grandparents?

Ive never really been a career girl, I quite like my job but didn't plan on doing it forever, so do I stick with it or do I retrain to do something I love as I am going to be doing it for so much longer than I anticipated?

So many questions and who's going to give me the answers???

This is where I really sound awful so please excuse me if I come across as heartless, I have a friend who lost a baby six months ago, quite late on in the pregnancy which was awful for her. She already has one child but is hellbent on getting pregnant again, she is very teary all of the time and all she talks about is the baby she lost. While I can never understand her heartache and wouldn't ever wish to, I don't understand why she is concentrating so much on another baby when she already has a toddler and a husband who love her and need her? My heart breaks for her when I see how upset she still is but I so badly want to tell her to cherish the baby she has got and be thankful she has got one at least and not to waste his precious early years concentrating on trying to have another baby.

Sorry for the rambling woo is me post, I promise the next one will be more upbeat.

me x

1 comment:

  1. Hey Hun, i'm so sorry to hear what your going through, I think we are quite similar because all i've ever wanted is to be a mum and i couldn't and try not to imagine life without them. I don't really have any advice but i think his choice will eat at you and it will become an issue and you will recent it and why shouldn't you. If he felt like that he should have told you and not let you enter a marriage when you want different things, because (and i imagine this is why he didn't tell you) something like this can be a dealbreaker.
    I hope you find the answers you are looking for. x